Hello, it has been awhile. Whoops. Life got crazy. Moved across the globe and now I am a teacher, certified even. Great! Now, onto the post. Oh, happy new years.
I hate what I like. I know that’s a odd thing to say. How can you hate what you like? It’s simple. What I like, and don’t like, has always limited me. Growing up, and to this day, people have always made fun of me for things I like and don’t like. I have been called a hipster, contrarian, counter culture, and on and on. The truth? I fucking hate it. I hate I can’t enjoy Taylor Swift, or whatever act is popular. I remember when I cancelled my pre-order for Watch_Dogs because it leaked about how Ubisoft had been lying about the game and false promoting it. Everyone called me a hipster and all this shit over cancelling a game I was already iffy on but was mostly buying to test out my PC. The game I transferred Watch_Dogs to? Mario 3D World. Yes, I am such a hipster and anti whatever is popular that I transferred Watch_Dogs to one of the most popular series in gaming. If I was such a hipster I would’ve transferred it to some weeb game, Monster Hunter, Game and Wario (even that’s a stretch cause Wario), or a bunch of indie games. It is so ingrained in people that I am purposefully anti whatever is popular that even when I don’t buy something that is popular or cancel a pre-order for valid concerns (like false advertising or glitchy mess. Looking at you Anthem) I get lambasted over it. I hate it. To add, later I bought Watch_Dogs on the Wii U because it was cheap at Walmart 2 months after release. I liked it.
Growing up in the 90’s boy bands and pop idols were big with my age group. While everyone was listening to Backstreet, N-sync, Brittany, Christina, and all those groups I was listening to Slayer, Type-O, Chili Peppers, Janes Addiction, NIN, Manson, The Crystal Method, Korn, Toadies, KMFDM, White Zombie, and such. Obviously not all of these are small bands, but they weren’t popular with my age group in the least bit. This lead to a lot of issues in class. The class would get to vote on a song to listen to and I’d choose “Thunderkiss” they’d choose some pop song. When it was time for me to bring a CD for us to listen to I’d bring 3 Doors Down or Gorillaz and everyone hated it and made fun of me. I’ve always wished I could enjoy what others have enjoyed. Also, remember a time when Gorillaz weren’t considered popular? Man, time is funny.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my musical taste for how experimental a lot of bands are and how varied it later became. I even found pop groups like Avan Lava that I absolutely love. The issue remains my music taste still isolates me. When my friends would want to go see Fallout Boy, Slipknot, or some other popular band I never wanted to go. I didn’t like them. I wanted to see GWAR, Motorhead, RUSH, Electric Six, Ministry, and Anthrax. These are not small bands either, at least at the time. Now, they have faded into obscurity, a sad time. So, my friends would go see whatever pop group, pop rock, or nu metal band and they would grow their friendships. The issue? I never grew with them. Friends that went to a lot of concerts grew really strong. Meanwhile, I was left behind. Isolated from even my friends.
Music is also a deep passion of mine. A deep passion I can’t talk to a lot of people about. Every time someone asks me about my music tastes I notice they regret it.
One, I am starved to talk about MY musical tastes. I have to talk to everyone about what they listen to but no one ever extends the branch back. Often times people just say I listen to weird music or even “Why can’t you just listen to normal music?” never bringing the subject up again.
Two, they always expect to talk about whatever is popular. While I want to talk about odd bands. So, we can’t really have a conversation. While I don’t listen to people like Taylor Swift I am unfortunate enough to hear her music everywhere that I can semi-talk about it. But trying to get someone to talk about Type-O Negative? That’s rare. King Diamond? Other then my dad and two people on Facebook that has never happened.
Finally, it just distances us. I never know why but when you talk to someone and they’re just so different people tend to alienate themselves from them. The other day I went out to dinner with a friend. We were talking about childhood and such and I brought up how I played the game Creatures a lot. She just made fun of me and then said “If this was school or I didn’t know you first I would’ve never talked to you.” Why? Because I like games and can talk about tech. She then joked about me meeting one of her friends and recording us for YouTube for people to make fun because we’d talk tech. Which, this was always my scenario.
Even with gaming I have this issue. Growing up I played a lot of games. Sonic, Mario, Primal Rage, Tomba, RE, Silent Hill, and such. A lot of obscure games and popular ones. However, back then gaming wasn’t popular until GTA3 came out. All anyone wanted to talk about at school was GTA3. I didn’t get a PS2 until after the GCN dropped to $99 and even then it was a good amount of time. My family was poor. So, while people were saying how they loved games all they wanted to talk about was GTA3. I liked GTA3 I just didn’t have it.Even trying to talk about Mario was too obscure for a lot of the kids.
The common problem? I wasn’t playing/listening to what was popular. So, I had no one to talk with. I didn’t like sports either, and that was all anyone cared about. So, in school I was the weird kid no one talked to. My school had “Josh Germs” for anyone who talked to me. Talking to me meant no one would talk to you for a day until you could shower and be clean. Eventually in Jr. High I made friends, but I couldn’t really bond over what I liked with them. I picked up a lot of things from them to bond, however.
I remember when Apex came out and I liked it more than FortNite. Everyone made fun of me because “Josh is being anti popular again”. I just found Apex to be more fun. People gave me shit when Overwatch came out because I didn’t buy it. That is because I had to upgrade my CPU and GPU. It’s not because I don’t like OverWatch. I still find it fun if I am playing with friends. But because I am mr hipster I get made fun of because I was poor. Fuck you guys.
Even my taste in anime gets me basically blacklisted by that community. First, I watch all my animes dubbed when I can. So, I’m out for that alone. Second, my favorite two animes are Aku No Hana and Deadman Wonderland. Which people love to hate Aku no Hana because they rotoscoped instead of going with the much cheaper to produce moe style. It’s a great story and anime but everyone hates it because it’s not moe. Deadman everyone loves to hate for reasons that are never the same. When everyone was watching Naruto I was watching Hellsing. When they were watching Bleach I was watching Dot Hack. Sword Art Online? Aku no Hana. Jo Jo? Shakugun no Shana. Even the “obscure” animes all the weebs cream themselves over I don’t like. I’d rather watch all of Digimon then another second of Watamote. My Hero? Don’t like. Which is my problem. I hate that I hate this stuff. I watched Neon Genesis. I hated everyone millisecond of the show. However, I finished it. Why? Just to talk to my friend and people about it. By now I have forgotten the show, but I wasted so much time watching it.
Every day I wish I could bond with people over what everyone likes. I wish I could like mindless superhero movies. I wish I could like jumpscare filled horror movies. I wish I could like books like Harry Potter. I wish I could like games like Call of Duty (again), Street Fighter V (IV and 3 are legit), Persona 5, Madden, Smash Bros, or just whatever is popular. I wish I could. I see how these people make all these friends playing games like WoW, Fort Nite, GTA5, and such. Meanwhile, I am just struggling to find someone to play a game with because my tastes are so obscure on average.
Everyone thinks I am like this on purpose. No. I hate it more than you do. I wouldn’t say I’m overly negative.I try to find the joy in things I don’t like. I like that this song I hate brings you happiness. I like that Fortnite brings you happiness. I don’t want them gone. I want you to enjoy what you like. I honestly wish I could. Being so different and liking obscure and unpopular things has isolated me my entire life.
“Find a niche group?” you say. Every time I do I am so niche even for them it is hard. Join a table top group? They only want to play 3rd edition D&D or games like Shadowrun that are super easy to break and have minimal math. Warhammer? Everyone gets their army list off the internet to be the most optimized and I just make stupid armies for fun.
I honestly hate it so much. I hate being overly critical. I hate losing friends because I don’t like certain things. I sent a friend last night a Type-O Negative song hoping she’d like it. She hated it. Sucks, but we’re still friends. I’ve had people send me some pop song from a group I know I hated and when I finally listened to it and said I didn’t like it they just stopped talking to me. Do you know what it is like to see someone at school and them not talk to you because you didn’t like the latest Bieber song? It’s fucking pathetic and just makes you hate yourself.
“What’s wrong with me? If only I could like this stupid song we’d be friends. We’d be closer.”
I actually have a hard time showing people what I create. Be it songs, poems, games, etc… because I like such weird things. I expect everyone to hate it. I wrote a poem the other day and showed it to some people. Expecting to just be harpooned and destroyed. People told me they didn’t understand it but liked it. I was surprised.
I know I have said this a lot already, but I really wish I could just be normal. I wish I could like normal things. To this day I am still isolated by the things I like and dislike. Simply because I don’t like what others like.