Why do I procrastinate? Why do we in general? Lately I have been trying to improve my life and I realized I am a massive procrastinator. So, here is a post basically just for me. I will be going through things I am working on, why I procrastinate, how I procrastinate, how to try to stop it, and why I want to do it.
Learning Chinese: (Fear)
Why: I am afraid of sounding silly and people laughing at me. At work a lot of coworkers seem to laugh at us when we try to speak Chinese. It makes me pretty self conscious about it. I’ve asked and many say they don’t mean it like that, but it is still harmful. They are starting to stop however. It doesn’t help that I’m in a generally rude city too. When I went to visit south China any time I attempted to speak Chinese everyone was so happy and encouraging for me to speak. Here shopkeepers are very happy when I try but I will hear people mocking me directly behind. I’ve had a few shopkeepers tell them to shut up but it is still annoying.
How I do it: I will instead rush through my studies and half ass them. I don’t spend time trying to commit to memory or use it in day to day life. Then when studying I will fuck off on my phone.
How I can stop it: Spend the full 30 minutes to hour studying. Don’t speed through it in 10-15. Spend time practicing the words and writing them down. Hide my phone, or turn it off, while I study. Ignore when others say bad things and try to improve through it.
Why I want to learn it: I live in China so it is very important to my survival to be able to speak Chinese.
Programming my game:(Fear,self doubt, and perfection)
Why: I fear I will not be able to do it. That I am not good enough to be able to program it and finish it. That it’ll be a buggy mess and my code will be so bad that Yanderedev will look like a deity by me. As I write Psuedo code I constantly second guess myself and throw away tons of stuff. This is why I also I don’t post update often with a game. I’m afraid of announcing something because I don’t know if it’ll make it. I wan to try to get to a level to where I feel comfortable announcing things because I just finished a lot of design work on it.
How I do it: I will keep designing and over designing and pick apart everything. Then trash it all and start a new project. I never start on the actual programming. I will start and then stop and go back to designing.
How I can stop it: Commit, learn when to actually work, and programming classes. Learn good enough is fine.
Why I want to learn it: I love to create. I love to program, I am just afraid of it. I want to get my studio officially started and going. While this game won’t be a big break; it’ll at least show some designing talent.
Super Mario Maker 2 World: (Arrogance)
Why: I hate playing with others tool sets.
How I do it: Instead I design levels for my own 2D platformer that will never be made.
How I can stop it: At least try to create a map a week and learn to work with limitations
Why: I need to learn to work with others tool sets and limitations. It’ll help me in everyway.
My songs: (Fear, perfection, and self doubt)
Why: I believe I can’t make a good song.
How I do it: I learn other songs to learn tunes and then never actually study it. Then I will start to learn a new song and just never finish a song I work on.
How I can stop it: Study a song as I learn it to see why it works and sounds good. Then tweak and try to emulate.
Why: I enjoy music and I enjoy writing songs.
Working out: (Laziness)
Why: I get off of work late so I am usually tired. Due to this I never work out.
How I do it: I say I am tired or don’t have time.
How I can fix it: Wake up earlier and go for jogs/walks or go after work. Try to find a way to work out at home until the gym is open.
Why: I need to lose a lot of weight. I’m fat.
My website: (lack of self worth)
Why: I believe I don’t matter and no one cares what I have to say. That no one cares in general. There are a few topics I want to write about but don’t know how or if I should.
How I do it: Come up with a topic. Over analyze it and think no one wants to hear what I have to say.
How I can fix it: Try to write one at least once a week? just get over the fear I don’t matter, but that’s hard to do. Get used to posting.
Why:…. It feels good to write and express myself.
My story and poems: (fear and self doubt)
Why: I believe I am an awful writer and story teller. A few people have read snippets and say they like what they read. The poems seem to be hit or miss, but that is okay. Posting them here has been helping.
How I do it: I start writing new things and just abandon them. Leaving them forever unfinished hoping to forget.
How I can fix it: Work on finishing a writing. Setting goals on finishing sections. Maybe I can try announcing something or posting it? But, I feel that’ll end with disappointment. Stop writing multiple things at once.
Why: I like to write and I want to get better at it. However, I am just afraid I can’t get better.
Wow. honestly half of this I didn’t even know or think of until now. This was pretty therapeutic and good for me. I need to work on these. I need to work on my procrastination. I need to improve. I am kind of seeing what to do now. I am actually reflecting as I am writing this outro. I need to work on fixing them and how to stop it and committing on stopping it.