I’ve been trying to leave the internet more and more these days. I’m finding it kind of hard. Not really out of addiction but just nothing to do. I moved cities and have no friends here. I have problems speaking the language. I’m pretty shy about going out on my own, unless it’s for something I need. The main reason I’ve been trying to ditch the net is the negativity.
Yet, I can’t. Recently I’ve been pretty down in the dumps. I kind of lost motivation to do all sorts of stuff. It’s why I added the tracking section to my site. To give me something to aim for.
Why have I been down? No one to talk to. My girlfriend is very busy lately. Work and family troubles eat up her time. Friends and family back home don’t seem interested in talking to me. Most of my internet friends don’t either. I’ve just been drifting a bit these past few weeks isolated. Work doesn’t seem to care. Just feeling blah and lifeless.
That previous poem about writer’s block. I didn’t actually mean for it to sound so depressing and negative. When I write poems I kind of don’t think. I just go into a trance and words appear. I’ll edit a few sections, sometimes. However, I try to keep it as authentic as it was when I wrote it. The end. The cry for help. I debated removing it. I didn’t know that was how I felt. I don’t know why it came out. I’m still trying to figure it out. One moment I couldn’t write the story I am working on. Next I change my notebooks and pen to paper all of that came out. The only thought I had in my head when I first touched pen to paper was, “I wonder why writers block happens.” Then that poem was made. I didn’t know I was that depressed.
Then my boss told me some stuff he told me not to tell others. It was all good and about me. It’s been a while since I’d gotten any sort of positive feedback, especially about work. At least, from higher ups. This may not seem like a lot to others, but it is something. I’ve just been kind of used as a free English dictionary or grammar book by people lately. I never thought getting appraisal from work would mean so much; especially with me thinking of changing careers again.
Then my girlfriend was able to come visit. We only get to spend about 5 hours together a month. She gets a train ride over and we hang out at my place for 4 hours. Then we go to sleep because I work early morning next day and we get to have lunch before she leaves. It honestly sucks but those 4 hours are the happiest for me. I was so tired too.
Sunday I had to go to a work event. I was exhausted. I passed out in our demo room before we went. I basically just got to run around in 90 degree weather for 4 hours playing with kids. It was very tiring but fun.
Monday, sleep.
Today I did my writing class and one of the students was asking me for advice at the end. It felt weird and good. Like, someone cared. She wanted advice on improving herself and why I did. She seemed to have taken it to heart. Another student kept thanking me for being her teacher and said she wanted me to keep being her teacher. It just felt nice. While I sacrifice my Tuesdays to prepare lessons and more for these kids; it seems like quite a few of them really care. Some of them don’t. I can tell they’re there because their parents want them to be. They don’t even pay attention when I give the answer and then ask them the answer.
At the end of my writing class I have the kids debate a topic. This is basically so they can work on arguing. Work on good arguments and bad ones. Stop them from making bad faith arguments and stop them from talking over and more. The number of kids staying grew this week. It just felt good. I stayed an extra 50 minutes with the kids going over why certain things are good or bad to say in arguments and explaining why. They all seem to enjoy it. It’s helping their English and critical thinking.
Lately things have been dark. The poem taught me that. Bitterness everywhere. Sometimes I miss Beijing just because I had friends there. Even then a lot of friends stopped talking to me when I moved. These few dim lights are still the brightness I need.
My boss telling me I’m doing well shouldn’t mean much, it’s just a job. Seeing my girlfriend who 5 hours a month should be depressing, not uplifting. Losing my entire day to prepare for a class most students don’t want to go to should be a waste. Yet, all of these are little bright lights. Some brighter then others. Making an impact on my students is a bright one.
Just remember. In darkness, no matter how dim, the light is there to help you.